NOTES FOR THE SUBSTITUTE TEACHER – Humor!By Humorist John P. Wood
1. My lesson plan is on the desk. If you have any questions
about the plan, write them on a sheet of paper and place it
in the bin marked “White Office Paper.”
2. If you catch anyone rooting through my desk when you
return from the gym, it’s probably Mrs. Swain from across
the hall. Don’t worry about her. She thinks I’m plotting
against her. I am, but I keep all that stuff at home.
3. Keep an eye on Heather Patterson today. She likes to
tease Missy Franklin. Missy Franklin then teases Amy
Finkel. Amy Finkel teases Tracy Goetz, and Tracy Goetz
teases Tammi Babblich. Tammi Babblich then teases Heather
Patterson. If you can stop Heather from starting the whole
thing, you’ll have a much nicer day.
4. Bobby Farkus had been throwing things out the window, so
I moved him over by the door. Then he started throwing
things out in the hall, and people complained. The
principal made me move Bobby back because he would rather
Bobby threw things out the window. So, let him throw stuff
out the window. Nobody cares except the custodian who does
the landscaping below, and he now wears a helmet.
5. Do not – under any circumstances – open the bottom-right
drawer of my desk.
6. If you give Maria the hall pass, make sure she signs
the “Hall Pass Liability Release Form” before she leaves.
Sometimes she’s gone for hours.
7. Phil Pinkel will probably bring a toy to class today and
you will have to take it away from him. I used to keep his
toys in my desk, but there were so many and they were
starting to take up a lot of room. Now, when I take a toy
away from Phil, I just give it to Bobby Farkus.
8. You won’t hear any announcements from the office because
I disconnected the speaker. It was much too loud and way
too annoying. If anyone confronts you with “Didn’t you hear
the announcement?!” tell them “No, I guess I was just too
busy teaching.” That always works for me.
9. If anyone turns in money for the field trip, you can
keep it. They really don’t pay subs enough these days.
10. I sure hope you haven’t opened that bottom-right desk
drawer. Trust me, don’t do it.
11. The woman on the tall ladder outside the window is Mrs.
Lorner, Becky’s mom. She thinks her child is being
persecuted in class, so she spies on us. I just ignore her.
She usually leaves after an hour or so – sooner if it’s
12. If you want to use the classroom computer, you must
enter my secret password. The school district insists that
we use passwords for network security reasons. I forget
mine all the time, but most of my students know it. Ask
13. I left you a supply of educational videos to show in
case the lesson isn’t working. It really doesn’t matter
which one you show. They are all educational, and all
universally hated by the students because they don’t
contain violence, swearing, or adult situations.
14. I strongly advise against leaving the students
unsupervised in the classroom for any amount of time – even
if you have to go to the bathroom or you need to get a
drink of water. I left for just a minute last week and the
students did something really, really awful. So, don’t
ever – EVER – leave them unsupervised. It’s not worth the
risk. And if you don’t believe me, just take a look in that
bottom-right desk drawer.