Reality Shows About School – LearningLaffsBy Humorist John P. Wood
Study Hall Survivor
Students are isolated in a study hall and they must complete their homework in a timely manner. Those who are less than productive are voted out of the study hall and sent to in-school suspension. The sole survivor gets his/her homework done.
Students vote their most bothersome classmates out of the classroom. Expelled students are sent to in-school suspension. The sole survivor enjoys a lower student-teacher ratio and a more peaceful classroom learning experience.
Cameras monitor students as they pass from classroom to classroom in crowded school hallways. A group of parents vote to remove students from the hallways and send them to in-school suspension. The sole survivor wins permission to wander the halls willy-nilly during class time.
Cameras monitor students in the school art room and teachers vote to remove students. Students who make a mess, break something, or make ugly art are sent to in-school suspension. Students who make inappropriate art are directed to apply for grants from the National Endowment for the Arts. The sole survivor gets a free ride on the pottery wheel.
Students are videotaped in the lunchroom. Students who spill, spit, throw, or trade food are sent to in-school suspension. Students who eat all of their food are sent to the school health office. The lone survivor wins an all-expense-paid trip to a fast food restaurant.
Teachers are videotaped in the lounge. They form and break alliances. They complain and they bicker. Administrators vote to remove teachers from the lounge. The sole survivor wins the right to eat anything out of the lounge refrigerator. Those removed are sent to supervise all the students who were sent to in-school suspension.
Parents are recorded as they watch their children participate in youth sports. Children monitor their parents’ behaviors and vote to remove parents from the bleachers. Parents who argue, criticize, yell, cheer too loudly, or in any other way embarrass their children are removed. The sole survivor gets to see the end of the game.
Cameras record the suffering at an after-school faculty meeting. Teachers who introduce new topics for discussion, teachers who ask questions that extend the meeting, and teachers who use meeting-speak terms like “goals statement,” “dovetail,” “piggyback,” or “consensus,” are voted out of the meeting. Sleeping teachers are granted immunity. The sole survivor enjoys a long nap as an administrator drones on about proposed changes to the student rights and responsibilities handbook.